Introduction

We all get triggered by our partners from time to time. It’s a normal part of a relationship.

Unfortunately, we can lash out or withdraw when triggered, which does not help the relationship.

When we respond from a triggered state of mind (our practice calls it the adaptive child part of us), we run amuck in our relationship.

It puts enormous stress on the relationship and, if continued, makes it painful and eventually hopeless.

In this blog post, Jason will share some ways to work with the parts of you that get triggered.

What’s going on when we’re triggered?

A mentor and colleague, Jan Bergstrom, said, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

When triggered, we often have one foot in the present and one in the past. An event in the present triggers old, unresolved trauma, which causes us to react and not respond appropriately in the present.

We revert to ways we adapted when we were younger, which are usually maladaptive now because we are operating from a hurt younger part of us.

This younger part of us will not disappear. However, we can cultivate a better relationship with it, and that process is called reparenting.

What is reparenting?

Reparenting is noticing that a part of you is triggered and hurt. It starts with kind, nonjudgmental awareness—just like an appropriate parent.

That may be enough right there. But we can provide love to that younger part via attention and maybe by gently breathing into that part of us.

We may even have a compassionate dialogue with that part of us, coming from our wise, loving adult selves. This process is often called inner child work.

Talking with my inner child?

Yes, that is right. This is one aspect of reparenting or providing self-love.

Let me share an example of this from my practice.

Recently, I had a couple in my office, and her partner’s forgetfulness triggered an old core belief in her that she was unlovable.

When her partner forgot to close the cabinets, she would get irate, and the story she told herself was that he forgot because he didn’t care about her.

Because she was open to therapy and wanted to get better, we identified that the root of her anger was a core belief that she was unlovable. 

This belief stemmed from a childhood experience when her father left home – when she was eight.

She was open to being guided through a visualization of speaking with her eight-year-old self.

Visualization begins

I said, “I want you to close your eyes and picture that eight-year-old you in your mind’s eye. Where is she? What is she doing? And let me know when you got her.” 

She said she did.

I said, “From your wise adult self. The part of you that can have empathy and be wise, introduce yourself. In your own words, I’m you all grown up, and I’d like to talk with you.”

And she repeated that.

I said, “What did that eight-year-old say? Is she up for talking?”

And she said, “Yeah, she’s up for it.”

“Is there anything that you would like to say to the eight-year-old you, knowing that her dad just left?”

She paused and said to her, “I know your dad just left you, and you are so sad. I want you to know that it’s not your fault.”

“How did that land for her?”

“She likes what she’s hearing but is a little guarded.”

I said, “That’s understandable. If you could scan her little body, what would she be feeling?”

“A little bit of anxiety, but also a little bit of hope.”

“What is she hopeful about?”

“That someone is here for her now.”

“Tell her that; tell her you are here for her now.”

And she repeated just that.

I said, “Tell her that you will never leave her.”

This is where she got emotional.

I asked her, “What are you feeling?”

“Sadness.” And then she started to cry.

I reminded her to tell that little girl again, “It’s not her fault.”

She felt that sadness with some relief. And we paused here for a moment. I said, “That’s the little girl’s tears. I’m so glad you can feel that for her now.”

Then, I helped her talk to that little girl compassionately and remind her that she is loved.

Why is this important?

The above work my client did was part of the reparenting process. She was starting to form a compassionate relationship with the younger triggered parts of her.

This gives her the space to respond appropriately to situations instead of reacting from an older part.

When we reparent parts of us that need it, we become more of that wise adult. 

As Pia Mellody says, “Being a functional [wise] adult is taking care of our wounding instead of letting our wounding loose on other people.”

How do you know the reparenting is working?

Taking the above case of the problem with the cabinets.

In her wise adult state, she initiated a conversation with her partner about what to do about the cabinets.

They agreed that he would do his best to close them, and he reminded her that if he forgot, it wasn’t because he didn’t love her; he tends to be spacey.

She also started to grieve his tendency to be spacey and messier, but she began to grieve that while appreciating all she was getting.

If she found them open, they created the space for her to calmly bring it up by saying, “I thought this was our agreement: You’d close these.”

He responded, “Yes, you are right, I’ll close them.”

If he weren’t around, she would take a deep breath and close them. 

If the younger part of her came up saying that he doesn’t love her because she is unlovable, she would breathe into that and remind that part that she can take care of the inner child now.

Conclusion

Reparenting is a journey of self-discovery and healing. 

By giving yourself empathy, awareness, and compassion, you can transform old reactivity patterns, cultivate healthier relationships, and finally experience the love and acceptance you deserve.

If you're feeling overwhelmed by triggers in your relationship, we at Colorado Relationship Recovery can help you and guide you to more peace within yourself and your relationship.