Intro
Couples often come into our practice feeling like roommates or just co-parents. Although they are married and have had passionate years and times together.
One couple shared with me, “We are cost-sharing-associates.” As the love and the spark between them had died down.
Some couples need clarification about how they got there as it was so easy initially, and sparks flew.
Why did you get here?
At the beginning stage of a relationship (within the first year or so), our brain is full of feel-good chemicals that keep us captivated with our mate.
Nature is more concerned about coming together and procreating.
Those infatuation chemicals will wear off to conserve energy, and then our partner moves from the most intriguing thing in the world to deep family.
When this happens, we revert to the relationship template we formed growing up.
This is where the work comes in.
For example, was one or both parents judgmental towards each other or you?
If so, you may share that same judgment towards your partner.
Was one or both of your parents an anxious people-pleaser? Or an angry grudge holder?
If so, you may be overly concerned about others being mad at you, and then people-please at the cost of your wants and needs. Eventually, you may be more of a resentful people-pleaser or a passive-aggressive martyr.
Whatever the case is, it’s essential to identify your dance of disconnection so you can fall back in love again.
How we help
As couples therapists, we help you two identify your dance and then give you a plan for staying out of it.
You may feel like roommates if you two have spent too much time in your negative dance without repairing it.
We also help you two know how to repair to move back into love and connection.
Maintaining love and connection
Once you two practice spending less time in disconnection, you two must connect intentionally.
One of my favorite quotes from a mentor is,
“Intimacy is not something you have, but something you do.”
– Terry Real
We remind you two that it is vital to know what makes you feel loved and what makes your partner feel loved.
For example, is it physical or sexual intimacy?
Is it emotional or spiritual intimacy?
Is it being able to talk about anything?
Is it simply spending time together?
Is it simply conveying to each other that you matter?
Know your answers to these questions and share them with your partner. Then, when you both have this information, do it!
Conclusion
Falling back in love with your partner is a journey that involves awareness, intentional effort, and a willingness to break old patterns.
By addressing patterns from the past, learning to repair disconnection, and intentionally nurturing love, couples can rediscover the love, passion, and connection that brought you two together in the first place.