Intro

I’m doing it… I’m writing a blog with a popular word that gets thrown around a lot, and that’s narcissist.

I believe the term narcissist is a spectrum, with some people being higher on it than others. 

And when we talk about it in relationships and counseling, it’s less about the label and more about how their behavior affects connection, trust, and intimacy.

What is a narcissist?

As a couples therapist for over ten years, my personal definition of a narcissist is someone who generally blames other people for any issues or for their behavior and has difficulty receiving feedback or blame due to a porous protective boundary.

(Side note): Here's a PDF for more info on psychological boundaries — the goal and practice is Functional boundaries.

What I mean by a protective boundary is the ability to take in and accept feedback if it’s true to them. 

If it’s not true, a healthier/wise response might be curiosity—“Why does my partner see it that way?” But for the narcissist, the default reaction is defensive blame.

Generally, any feedback is seen as a personal attack, even if your goal is to improve things.

In other words, they struggle to take a critical look at themselves and lack accountability.

A phrase you’ll often hear is:

“I did that [offensive behavior] because you did ____.”

That logic is used to justify their contemptuous behavior.

The typical attitude of a narcissist is, “I’m right and you are wrong.” Depending on how much contempt they carry—or how high they are on the spectrum—that might escalate to, “You are an idiot for thinking that.”

I recall a training I attended years ago on this topic. The trainer said, “The partner of a narcissist is usually depressed.”

That’s an interesting statement, but it makes sense. 

If you’ve essentially capitulated to your partner’s behaviors, there’s very little room for your opinions, desires, and wishes. You end up existing to serve the narcissist’s ego, and that’s understandably depressing.

Marriage counseling

So, what happens when a narcissist and their partner walk into marriage counseling?

First, understand this: narcissists don’t typically feel bad or in pain in the relationship. 

Why? Because the relationship is all about them. So, the question naturally becomes: Why should they change the status quo?

Why should they listen to the marriage counselor?

As a marriage counselor, I have to be positioned between the narcissist and something they want to avoid. Divorce, perhaps. Losing access to their kids. Or maybe the possibility of their partner finally being “done.”

If there’s no motivational hook like this, then there’s little reason for them to engage in the process.

That is the main challenge of marriage counseling with a narcissist: getting them bought in.

Sometimes, though, the right hook can shift things.

If a narcissistic partner believes their involvement in counseling could protect them from loss—or even improve their reputation in the eyes of the kids—they may become more open. And sometimes, that small crack of openness can be enough to work with.

As the partner of a narcissist, you may also have more influence than you think.

There are strategies to increase motivation and gently guide your partner toward seeing value in counseling.

At our agency, you can even schedule an individual session to explore this. 

A therapist can help you sort through your options and support you in finding ways to build leverage without losing yourself.

Conclusion

Here’s the hard truth: marriage counseling with a narcissist is rarely a smooth road. 

But it’s not impossible. With the proper structure, the right “hook,” and the proper support, change can happen—even if it’s slow and imperfect.

And perhaps the bigger question is this: what do you need besides the narcissist’s willingness to change? 

Sometimes the work isn’t about fixing the relationship at all costs — it’s about reclaiming your voice, your needs, and your sense of self.

If you’re in this situation, don’t carry the burden alone. Seek support, talk with a therapist, and clarify what’s negotiable for you and what isn’t. 

Whether your partner changes or not, you deserve to feel seen, valued, and whole.