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  • Moving in Together: How Soon is Too Soon?

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    Moving in Together: How Soon is Too Soon?

    Moving in together is a big step in any relationship. If you think about it, it takes commitment, trust, and a shared future.

    Obviously moving in can be a very good thing — more time together and shared expenses.

    But how soon is too soon to make this move?

    I recommend waiting to move in after a year or longer. That’s so the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship has time to wear off.

    In the early phases of dating, our brain is on drugs.

    Nature cares that we get together and procreate, and isn’t as interested in long term relationships. After a year or longer, that’s we revert to our default way of relating — how we learned growing up.

    For example, did your partner come from a family where anger was readily expressed? If so, that’s going to show up.

    Did your partner come from a family that avoided conflict and talking about emotions? Then that’s going to show itself again (actually not show it’s self if you know what I mean).

    These things are workable of course and can be expedited in couples therapy. But waiting will allow you to know more about your partner and what you’re getting in to.

    It will also allow any red flags to surface.

    When the romance chemicals in your brain have worn off (after a year or longer), you may have the clarity to see them.

    Stan Tatkin in his book Wired for Dating: How Understaning Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, suggests that in the early stages (infatuation stage) of relationships, it’s good to bring your new mate around your friends and ask them for their feedback.

    The perspective from your friends will not be tainted by love chemicals which can make you blind to potential red flags.

    Then, take your friend’s feedback seriously. Obviously it’s your life, but if they share their concerns, it might be good to hold off moving in with them to see if or how they manifest.

    Factors to Consider Before Moving in Together

    If the red flags are true, can you have agreements on how to mitigate them? Can you live with whatever they are?

    Also, is moving in convenience, or is it preliminary steps in eventually getting married?

    These are important question you two need to address to move in the same direction.

    Finances.

    This could be its own blog or book.

    Regarding money, it’s important to cultivate an honest and safe place to talk about it.

    I recommend couples make agreements to check in at least once a month on where they are with finances and how they’re doing with the financial agreements and goals.

    Quick Tips for Successfully Living Together

    – Communicate openly and honestly about your needs and wants (also cultivate awareness of what they are).

    – Establish boundaries and respect each other’s need personal space and relationship connection.

    – Have agreements that work for both of you in regards to household chores.

    – Have regular date nights to keep the romance alive. Greet each other when you get home. Link to Welcome Home exercise demonstration.

    – Make time for your own hobbies and interests.

    Conclusion

    Moving in together is a big step in any relationship. It’s important to consider potential red flags and make agreements on finances and the shared vision as a couple.

    A point of getting together is so it’s a net gain at the end of the day. If you two are able to achieve that, and commit to active communication, the fun part is deciding where you want to live!

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