• My Wife and I Need To Go Back To Couples Therapy

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    My Wife and I Need To Go Back To Couples Therapy

    I’m sharing this because even couples counselors and relationship coaches need to go.

    The question is:

    Does this mean we’re doing something wrong?

    There are two answers.

    The first one is no.

    Because intimate relationships are very challenging and disagreements are inevitable.

    If we don’t have disagreements or don’t see things differently at all, that’s a signal one or both of us are not being true to ourselves in the relationship.

    If we’re not being our true selves, then the relationship can feel a bit dull.

    So it’s good to have them, the question is how are you going to work with and through your different perspectives?

    The answer is hopefully: collaboratively.

    Another way of answering the opening question is with a yes.

    The second answer is yes, we were both doing something wrong.

    Let me share the recent example.

    My wife had some family in town and we had a conflict. Because the family was in town, we couldn’t really talk about it and process it.

    So it festered.

    Can you relate?

    We were both really upset with each other and felt totally justified in our points of view.

    We didn’t want to initiate repair or even a conversation for that matter. We couldn’t even give each other eye contact.

    *Side note, it’s almost better if couples are arguing – as long as the “Divorce” word isn’t thrown around – instead of icy withdrawal. At the very least, arguing shows you care to some degree.

    Icy withdrawal creates too much space to have really negative thoughts about the relationship come up.

    When my wife was sleeping downstairs, I wasn’t thinking, “She’s down there writing me love notes…”

    What we were both doing that was wrong, was letting this go on for far too long.

    What was getting in the way of our willingness to repair?

    Our pride.

    We could also say our egos, or the adaptive child parts of us.

    Finally, we did talk about it.

    Once we got over ourselves, we were able to see each other’s point of view, even though we didn’t agree with it.

    Even after talking about it, we both still felt strongly about our side.

    But good news was, we both agreed that we needed to go back and see our couple’s therapist.

    This was a very good decision, and at the time of writing this, we have two sessions under our belts and we’ve been spending much more time in Harmony & Connection.

    Going back to the main question.

    It doesn’t mean we’re doing something wrong because disharmony/disconnection is a phase of all relationships.

    And we were both doing something wrong because we reverted to some old patterns that made it so the withdrawal lasted too long.

    Another plug for one of my favorite relationship quotes,

    “Intimacy is not something you have, but something you do.” – Terry Real


    About the Author:

    • Jason Polk is a licensed couples therapist with over 9 years of experience. He is the founder of Colorado Relationship Recovery, a therapy practice that specializes in helping couples improve their relationships.
    • He is a frequent speaker on the topics of couples therapy and relationships. He has appeared on several podcasts and has written articles for various publications.
    • He is passionate about helping couples build strong and healthy relationships. He believes that every couple can have a happy and fulfilling relationship, even if they are facing challenges.

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